Laura Dern and Diane Ladd make the case for having tough conversations with mom

By Alli Rosenbloom, CNN

(CNN) — As Laura Dern and Diane Ladd approached Adelaide Drive in Santa Monica during one of the many walk-and-talks detailed in their joint memoir “Honey, Baby, Mine,” Ladd quickly realized where Dern was taking her. Knowing the pain that lay ahead, she tried to get her daughter to turn around by throwing out one weather-related excuse after another, but Dern didn’t fall for it.

“Is this the house?” Dern asked.

“Yes, Laura. This is the one,” her mother replied.

It was the home, Ladd said, where she and her ex-husband, actor Bruce Dern, moved into looking for a new start after their first child, Diane Elizabeth, tragically died as a toddler. It’s where they brought baby Laura Elizabeth Dern home to after she was born. It’s also the home where their marriage ultimately ended.

Ladd is reminded of divorce and grief when she sees the house, and she’s tried to avoid doing so – until this specific day, when through gentle conversation, the two reshaped memories like clay. Dern challenged her mother to think instead, “I became a mother in that home” and reminded her that this home gave her power as she rebuilt her life and overcame her grief.

It is one of the most poignant moments in “Honey, Baby, Mine” and one of the most beautiful memoirs I’ve read. It left me sitting on my couch in full-throttle sobs – an unexpected result from reading a memoir penned by a legendary Hollywood mother-daughter duo, who could have coasted on their team-up alone but instead used their book to venture into emotional spaces with each other that non-public facing parent-child pairs rarely go.

When I spoke with Dern and Ladd in December, Ladd shared that the tough conversations – like the one on Adelaide Drive – were healing, as was the one they shared in an episode of Ancestry’s YouTube series “unFamiliar.”

“If you can take your pain and not let it back up like a sore or something, instead use it to explore, to make the path clearer for yourself and others, then you are winning,” Ladd said during our interview. “So the book was teaching us both. As we were walking, as we were breathing in air, we were breathing in our own lessons. That’s what we humans do.”

Ladd wrote that Dern helped her find that forgiveness within herself and the understanding and peace of mind she deserved.

And while Ladd was able to take back her power that day when she bravely talked to Dern about Diane Elizabeth, with whom Dern shares a middle name, the conversation took on even deeper meaning when they discovered the full scope of Dern’s namesake, a moment shown in the “unFamiliar” episode.

They learned that Dern also shares the same name as Ladd’s great-grandmother, Laura Prudence Smith Ladner, who Ladd had only ever known as Prudence. Ladd and Dern marveled at this twist of fate in the episode, and the realization appeared to be an emotional moment for the pair.

Ladd said this discovery helped her learn that intuitions are indeed important, and they are “guiding us a lot stronger than we can even imagine.”

The diagnosis

Nearly four years ago, Ladd was diagnosed with a lung disease called idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis, a disease that occurs when lung tissue is damaged and scarred, according to the Mayo Clinic. She was told she had six months to live but that walking may help rebuild her strength. Dern and Ladd recorded their conversations on these walks and published transcripts of the recordings, plus reflections, photos and recipes, in “Honey, Baby, Mine.”

These conversations that Dern had with her mother detailed in the book in turn helped her shape the way she connects with her own children, Jaya and Ellery, whom she shares with her ex-husband, musician Ben Harper.

“We don’t want to upset our parents and I think the same goes for the parent, you know, to not bring up anything you think could hurt the child,” Dern said, adding she was inspired to not just dig deep with her kids, but to also graze the surface and ask about their “favorite color, favorite flower, things that you would think would be obvious to know.” Things, she realized, she didn’t know about Ladd either.

Ladd and Dern are both known to many.

Ladd is a beloved Hollywood veteran who shined in films such as 1974’s “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” and 1990’s “Wild at Heart,” and Dern is known for her Oscar-winning role in 2020’s “Marriage Story” and for starring in the HBO drama “Big Little Lies,” among many other iconic titles. Together, they made history in 1992 when they earned dual mother-daughter Oscar nominations for their performances in “Rambling Rose.”

But even as public-facing people, Dern pointed out during our interview that “we don’t all know about the people closest to us.”

It’s a simple statement and sort of hard to swallow when you realize that may be true in your own life, too. In fact, immediately after our interview I called my mom to find out what her favorite color is. (It’s blue.)

There are plenty of these moments that provoked thought and reflection as I read through “Honey, Baby, Mine,” including a chapter that was charged with unresolved conflict.

“There’s one or two things we’re still angry about,” Ladd told me with a chuckle.

“Or the anger just comes back to the surface, but that’s what’s fun,” Dern added, without elaborating. One can guess, however, that they may be referencing the time Ladd took Dern’s then-5-year-old son Ellery to get a haircut without asking if Dern was okay with bidding farewell to his long locks, something Dern admitted in the book she’s “still livid” about.

Their discussion about Ellery’s haircut came to no resolution before Ladd, emotionally spent, said she wanted to go home.

“Good. Me too,” Dern replied.

It’s the kind of conversation-ender that we’ve all had with someone we love at some point, and it personally keeps me up at night wracked with guilt and anxiety. But here’s why this is beautiful: even as Ladd and Dern faced the reality of Ladd’s mortality on these walks, they were not afraid to rehash an old quarrel rooted in hurt feelings caused by each other’s actions and leave the conflict unresolved.

“We just decided that’s it and accept it,” Ladd said of working through conflict with Dern. “I’m not going to win this one. She’s not gonna win this one. Just respect each other enough to let it go. And so we just go on and love each other. Hug, hug, hug, kiss, kiss, kiss.”

Hug, hug. Kiss, kiss. It sounds so simple. But in practice, it takes courage. Throughout the course of reading their book and in speaking with the pair, I was reminded of how grateful I am to share a similar bond with my own mom.

Their commitment to strengthen their understanding of one another, in whatever time is left, inspires me. I’ve asked my mom more questions recently. There’s still a lot that I don’t know and probably should, including the tough stuff. As Ladd and Dern learned, you may come out of that conversation with new peace.

Or not. And that’s okay, too.

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