A phone may be a magical gift for your child, and these rules can keep it from turning into a bad move

By Madeline Holcombe, CNN

(CNN) — Your child has been asking for one for so long, and the holiday season might be the time –– especially if the gift will make this Christmas or Hanukkah magical.

It’s not a puppy this time though. It’s a smartphone or tablet.

This holiday season, many families may be considering giving their children their first device with direct access to the internet and social media.

But while there can be benefits to being online, there are also real concerns about how it can affect children’s development, safety and mental health, said Dr. Anita Everett, director of the Center for Mental Health Services within the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

Some experts have advocated delaying access to social media and smart devices for as long as possible. (Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt recommends waiting till age 16.) However, if you’ve decided to put a first phone on your gift list, there are ways you can make the experience better.

“It’s not that dissimilar than when the kid wants a puppy,” said Phyllis Fagell, a licensed clinical professional counselor, school counselor and author of “Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times.” “You’re not going to just bring home the puppy, right? Or if you do, you’re probably going to end up with some unexpected issues that you didn’t prepare for.”

You can prepare by becoming aware of the biggest concerns, knowing your child, setting boundaries, providing a good example with your phone use, and keeping lines of communication open, experts said.

“Parents have an incredible opportunity to be influential in their children’s use of social media,” Everett said. “That’s why we want to do what we can to empower parents so that they feel like they can have a role with it.”

Online concerns to consider

When it comes to devices that can access the internet, obvious risks abound, such as being exposed to content that isn’t age appropriate, meeting strange adults or being bullied, said Dr. Hansa Bhargava, a pediatrician at Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta and chief clinical strategy and innovation officer for Healio, an information company for health care professionals.

But experts also have concerns about the impact on children’s development, she added.

“There’s a lot of literature and research to show that the smart devices for kids can really take away from their time where they should be spending with other people and socially developing,” Bhargava added. “It’s about the development of their brain.”

Interacting in person has been shown to help in brain development as well as in reducing anxiety, she said.

“Even a short conversation on the phone is better than texting,” Bhargava said.

Although the possibility of developing device dependencies hasn’t been proven, there has been enough research to worry pediatricians, Bhargava said. Smart devices may influence dopamine, the neurotransmitter in your brain released when you do something pleasurable, in a way that is similar to how other addictive substances do, she added.

Particularly in older kids, they may experience anxiety when the phone is turned off or they have to stay away from social media a bit, Everett said.

Think about the individual needs of your child

Later is generally better when it comes to giving your child a smartphone, Bhargava said.

But it is also important to look at the individual needs, obstacles and maturity of your child, she added. Not only will the appropriate age for having a phone vary by family but also by the individual child within that family.

Will this child follow the rules you set around the phone? Does the child tend to get distracted easily? Does the child make impulsive decisions that might be regretted later?

Knowing why your child wants a phone can also help make decisions around its use, Fagell said. If the child wants just to chat with friends, you might be able to strategize other options, such as a flip phone, for example, she added.

“More often than not, what I hear from kids is that they want to make sure that they can connect with their friends so they’re not missing out,” Fagell said.

What children can handle may change as they age and enter various phases with different contexts and influences.

“I’ve seen sixth graders who use it beautifully, and seventh graders who use it beautifully and responsibly,” she said. “Then in eighth grade, maybe … they’re hanging out with different kids, or trying to fit in with a different group or impress somebody in particular, and they may start making more mistakes.”

You may have to change the boundaries, safety measures or even take the phone away entirely, Fagell said, and that’s OK.

Setting boundaries

While the rules you set will be specific to your family, here are some guidelines with good ideas for many people.

A good rule of thumb is life first and screens second, Bhargava said.

Having a phone should not get in the way of school, activities, friends or even just the pastimes that are good for children’s development ­­–– such as art or reading, she said.

Putting those things first can mean rules such as no phones at the dinner table, no phones until homework is done or no phones at school, Bhargava said.

She has told her teens that they cannot have their heads in their phones when she picks them up from school or extracurricular activities so that they can chat about their day with her.

For many reasons, no phone in the bedroom is a good idea. Not only does it help promote sleep, but it also protects adolescents from impulsive behavior behind closed doors, Fagell said.

“The possibility that they’re going to make … one of those reputation-damaging mistakes, is exponentially higher late at night, when they’re tired and on their own and on a device in the bedroom,” she added. “They’re also going to have a much harder time sustaining balance with regards to getting schoolwork and other things done.”

For safety, you may want to have rules around the privacy settings on children’s phones and the people they can or cannot interact with online, Fagell said.

You might want to make it clear that having a phone means you get to spot-check the content on it, but not in a punitive way, she said.

“We want to know what kind of images they’re seeing, what kind of information they’re taking in, what kind of questions that might raise for them and to help them navigate it,” she said.

“We want to really be attuned to what’s going on in their lives, how they’re using it, what kind of support they might need, and being ready to do a reset if needed.”

Can you walk the walk?

Your kids aren’t the only ones who take on responsibility with a smartphone. You do, too, Bhargava said.

“Do you as a parent have enough time to monitor this?” she asked. “Parents are very busy these days, and unfortunately, they’ve been given the task of being the guardians of screen time and social media as well.

“Do you have actually time to sit down with your kids and monitor that and or at least sit down with them once a week to make sure they are following the rules?”

But what about how you use your phone? It is hard to enforce rules you don’t follow, so make sure that your face isn’t in your phone during family dinners and that you are prepared to put your phone in the family basket at bedtime as well, she said.

“Parents have tremendous opportunity to be role models for their children and how they use social media and when they put down social media,” Everett said.

Smartphone conversations to have

Establishing rules and habits will likely not be enough when you give your child a phone — you will need to have important conversations, too.

Accessing the internet has positives, such as learning about the world and expanding community, but kids also need to know that it comes with a responsibility to be a good digital citizen, Bhargava said.

“Don’t bully people, and then also report if you are bullied,” she said. “Don’t try and exclude people. Don’t talk to people who you don’t know.”

Children need to know that what they do online can cause harm to their reputation and that of others, and it may help for you to show examples from the news about how a mistake people made online followed them when applying for a job or to school, Fagell said.

Another key conversation is ensuring your child understands the difference between a kid problem and an adult one, she added.

Help your children understand “that under no circumstances are they equipped to support a child who is sharing their desire to hurt themselves — that they are actually doing more harm by not telling an adult,” Fagell said.

Having an open dialogue means children know they can come to you if they have a problem or make a mistake online, Bhargava said.

“If your child comes to you and says, ‘Look, I did this bad thing,’ have a straight face, don’t react, be calm and talk through it,” she said. “The best thing we can do as parents is to keep those lines of communication open.”

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