Parents are worried that their anger might be influencing their children. Here’s what experts say

By Julianna Bragg, CNN

(CNN) — Tantrums over misplaced toys, meltdowns sparked by sibling conflicts and outbursts over screen-time restrictions are all familiar frustrations for young children. But for some parents, these fiery episodes feel like more than just a passing phase.

Twelve percent of parents worry that their child’s anger could lead to problems, according to a new C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health released on Monday.

“What happens for most kids is every year creates new challenges,” said Sarah Clark, Mott Poll codirector and research scientist in pediatrics at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. “It may be you’re in a class taught by a teacher that you find frustrating, or it may be your seat is next to somebody that … makes you angry.”

The Mott Poll was conducted in August with 1,031 parents of children ages 6 to 12.

Many parents also expressed concern about the example they set for their children, with 70% saying they sometimes model poor anger management themselves.

“There seems to be a lot of public displays of anger by adults … and whether it’s seeing that from their own parent or seeing that from another adult, those are bad examples of how to manage your anger and frustration,” Clark said.

However, parents have the power to serve as positive examples when it comes to regulating emotions like anger.

“If parents model responding to anger in a healthy way, children see that and will try it out themselves,” said Dr. Neha Chaudhary, adolescent, child and adult psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School. “By paying attention to our own responses to our emotions as adults, we really have the ability to influence the trajectory of our children’s lives.”

Recognizing the signs

Fourteen percent of parents said their child gets angry more often than their same-aged peers. These parents are also more likely to feel they might be demonstrating poor anger management techniques, worry about the potential problems caused by their child’s anger and note that their child has encountered negative repercussions when angry.

Additionally, a higher percentage of parents of boys than girls (43% versus 33%) said their child has experienced negative consequences because of their anger, including hurting themselves or others, having problems with friends or getting in trouble at school.

“Boys are not often taught how to recognize and talk about anger. When they can’t name what they’re feeling, it’s difficult to find an adaptive coping skill to address it,” said Dr. Katie Hurley, a child and adolescent psychotherapist.

Busy schedules also can contribute to hidden stressors, leading to more frequent outbursts. “For many children, the school day offers enough socializing, and they don’t need additional activities and play dates every day,” Hurley said.

While emotional regulation strategies can help many families, expert assistance is also an option for more continuous challenges.

“If the behaviors persist for weeks without changing even though you’ve tried coping skills— or if your child just isn’t seeming like their usual selves — it might be time to seek professional help,” Chaudhary said. “Sometimes ongoing angry outbursts can be a sign that your child is struggling with depression, anxiety, or another mental health condition and the best way to know is to get an evaluation.”

Positive strategies for handling anger

Managing a child’s anger is no easy task, especially since every child has unique needs.

In fact, 30% of parents report they have not received advice on how to help their child manage their anger. Although more than 60% of parents say their child has learned anger management techniques at school, less than half say the school provides resources to help parents address the issue at home.

Hurley recommends keeping a “trigger tracker” to log details like your child’s sleep and eating habits alongside the circumstances of an anger episode to help identify patterns to better navigate those specific triggers in the future.

Clark also emphasized the importance of reframing the issue, advising parents not to blame their children for their intense emotions. Instead, the focus should be on teaching them better ways to cope.

“What you don’t want to do is make your child feel judged or dismissed for having a tough emotion,” said Chaudhary. “Those are the moments that they might need a trusted adult the most, to let them know they have someone in their corner who will help them work through how they feel.”

Effective plans for addressing your child’s anger can include both proactive and reactive approaches. It’s important to practice these strategies during times when children are not in distress, so it’s easier to guide them toward healthy coping mechanisms when they are, according to Clark.

“Some skills that work really well are slow, deep breathing so that your heart rate slows and stress level comes down, distracting yourself with an activity that requires you to focus on a task like counting backwards from 100, or engaging in an activity that releases feel-good chemicals, like putting on headphones to play a song you like, or going for a quick walk,” said Chaudhary.

While anger management practices can benefit all children, Hurley suggests specific techniques like trash-can basketball for boys who might have trouble articulating their emotions, although she noted this technique could also work for girls.

“Help them write their angry feelings on individual pieces of paper and then crumple the papers and slam dunk them into the trash! Paper tearing is also a good way to release tension while verbalizing anger,” she said.

It’s important to remember that children’s brains are still developing, so patience is key when helping them navigate overwhelming feelings.

“We need to view anger through the same lens as other difficult emotions, like sadness,” Hurley said. “It isn’t bad, we just need to learn how to cope with it.”

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